Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically noted for historical society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It will be incredible. Large!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed within the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we're making them with balconies."

Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely from location. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

A three-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")

And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But yes, confident, let us have Yet another position in which American Males can put on robes and simply call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: supply Everybody a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is comfortable power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he should halt applying it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the project, replied, "You realize, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."

Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping types an enormous Trump head noticeable from Area, a element staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… well, categorised.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after acquiring the building's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It really is not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Features

Perhaps the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium wherever company might contemplate imprecise disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate Manage established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

Nearby Syrians are unsure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Approach: "In the event you Bomb It, They may Occur"

The advert campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Permanently."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it might stabilize the area"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% reported "wherever's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"

The challenge is presently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, including:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree will likely involve:

A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

Trump Tower Damascus

And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War

Remark Portion Chaos

Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait around to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have switch-down support."

Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences counsel:

China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Ultimate Ideas from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:

"Damascus wanted hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires